It’s a beautiful, clear blue Thursday morning and I’m on my way to work (wearing the somewhat strange combo of a singlet and beanie, but hey, it suits the weather and fixes my hair!). I’ve had a pretty rotten week and a half but after a conversation with my husband last night I’m (tentatively) daring to hope that things might be improving.
Let me backtrack a bit… the reasons for me being down in the dumps are my financial concerns and what has become a fairly toxic office environment (despite the fact that I adore my job).
Hubby remains unemployed. He’s been turned down for two jobs in the past week, and there really is very little in the way of employment opportunities at the moment. He is feeling pretty awful about it, and unfortunately his way to “deal” is to completely withdraw.
Talking with him when he’s like this is kind of like trying to converse with a zombie (think silence, and nearly inaudible mumbles in response to direct questions, which often need to be repeated several times before they even register). Just to throw me completely out of whack, there are occasional interludes of humour, tenderness and conversation.
(In his normal state of mind he’s funny – hilarious – and kind, sweet, goofy, patient, a lover of B-movies, willing to let me use him as a pillow while laying on the couch (and his shirt as a tear-collector when I’m watching a sad movie / show / ad), the practical and grounded counterpoint I need and a good listener – all the attributes I want in a husband.)
You would think that after nearly nine years together I’d be used to the funks when they come along, but nope – I still run the gamut of emotions (loving concern to irritation, anger to exhaustion, and ramped up anxiety the whole way along).
I should know that he’ll come out of it eventually and that there is bugger all I can do about it. I’ve used the silence to read a lot, drink much, much more than normal (red wine’s reappearance in my life – big time – has really messed with my progress with weight loss, and My Fitness Pal doesn’t let me forget it!) and stress like it’s going out of fashion.
My newly discovered enjoyment of gym-going? Nope, seems much too obvious a coping mechanism for releasing stress, getting some endorphins flowing and taking care of myself! My 12-year long enduring love of yoga? I’ve only hit the mat twice during this time!
It’s funny isn’t it, that when we look back on a situation (with that handy hindsight…), a better way to deal with things seems so very apparent!
Anyway, this is meant to be a good news story! The convo we had last night (he was back to being himself and was chatty… happy dance!!!) was about the house. I want it sold asap – I don’t care if we make a profit, or even if we come out of it owing a bit of money. I just want the giant mortgage-shaped anchor around my neck to be gone! As the solo income earner (for about 2.5 years now, apart from a few months here and there) it is a mighty responsibility, and one I am literally incapable of meeting on my own.
Hubby agreed to selling it a while back, but his time frame was about 2 years – he wants to make more improvements first. I can see his point of view (we could do a lot with it) but I don’t think we have that luxury.
So… last night he agreed to a time frame of a few months. I cannot explain the impact of hearing that… the relief is palpable! He and his dad (a carpenter) will begin rebuilding our deck this weekend (we tore the rotten one down weeks ago) and will then replace our falling-down front fence. Both are cheap / free but will make a big impact (and I’ve been waiting for this to happen for years!). We’ll get a valuation and work from there. Yaaaay!
It’s amazing the impact that stress (or the reduction in it) has on the body and mind – this morning I woke on time, packed my gym bag for after work, am not shaking and feel better prepared to walk into my office politics-fraught workplace.
A quick side note – it hasn’t all been terrible. My beautiful sister had a milestone birthday last weekend and her boyfriend organised a surprise party at New Farm Park. It was a glorious day, she was over the moon, and I got to spend some quality time with my family and my siblings’ friends, some of whom I’ve known since they were in primary school :). Plus, the gift I had agonised over (thanks Pinterest for helping!) was a hit.
Finally (geez this has been a long post) my blog is no longer completely anonymous… my friends and family don’t know about it, but this week I inadvertently “outed” myself by following a uni friend’s blog (hi Mira!) … and I’m ok with that! As long as my inner circle remain unawares I’m all good 😉