First world problem… but I’m devastated

I am gutted and am hoping that doing a ‘brain dump’ on this blog will help me process how I’m feeling. That said, I do feel that I need to acknowledge – especially given recent events in the Philippines – that I am aware that worst things could have happened to me.

So… I got a haircut. A truly awful haircut.

You might know that a few months go I took the plunge and had all my hair cut off (as per my profile pic). I loved it  and asked for the exact same cut at my follow up appointment (I didn’t love cut #2 as much as the first, but it was still good). I’ve been much overdue for a new one, and have been really looking forward to my appointment today. I spent hours agonising over which of the photos on Pinterest I liked the most, and saved two pics (one had perfect colour, both had great cuts and were lovely) onto my phone to show my hairdresser exactly what I wanted.

My hairdresser dyed my hair, using foils (despite me expressing concern about using them with such short hair, and showing her the photos of what I wanted) as well as a base colour. Yes, I could have put my foot down and said a definitive ‘no’, but I was assertive and trusted her expertise after she dismissed my concerns.

Then a new, young hairdresser cut my hair… by the time she started cutting the sides, my hair had dried and the evidence of a truly awful dye job was emerging. She didn’t seem to understand my explicit requests or referrals to those photos (about the length of hair over my ears, my fringe, etc.). I was shocked when she said she was finished (sooo much thick and long hair left on top, looking nothing like the photo!) and asked her to cut more out of the top. She just didn’t get it… at all.

By this stage I had been there for hours and was fighting off an impending anxiety attack – and my requests weren’t working – so paid my bill and got the hell out of there. I came home and burst into tears before I even reached my front steps. A huge, fully blown anxiety attack followed (hyperventilating, choking for air, chest pains, nausea, sobbing, shaking, curling up in the foetal position on the floor). Hubby tried so hard to be supportive but his reaction to the cut / colour (the best description of his expression would be ‘horror’) confirmed what I already knew…. I have uneven sides and back, it is cut strangely around the crown and the top is… practically untouched. What passes as a fringe is f****d (longer in the middle than the sides… what the?!) and the dye job is uneven brown-red, showing sections of missed natural brown hair and foils of hot pink, which look like blobs.

My work has a strict policy re: uniform, tattoos and hair and I cannot go to work with pink hair. I had explained the need to have ‘natural-looking colour’ prior to them touching my hair. I am wearing a beanie now, trying to hide the abomination on my head, but am not allowed to wear scarves, headbands or any other hair-hiders to work. If I had longer hair I could roll with it and just put it in a ponytail… but will super short hair, there is nowhere to hide.

I took (prescribed) medication and that’s helped with my breathing. I spoke to Mum and she helped me see the humorous side but thought I was exaggerating until I texted her a photo – her reply was “omfg”. She and hubby want me to go back to the hairdresser and demand that they fix it – or issue a refund – but I’m too embarrassed to do that (or leave the house at the moment). So the plan is that hubby will dye my hair black tomorrow (the only colour that has any chance of covering that pink) and find somewhere else to do a ‘rescue cut’, or I will buy a wig. I just want to cry and hide :(.

So you can see that this isn’t a storm in a teacup, here’s some photos:

Happy hair times over the past few months (despite minimal styling):

image

The photos I showed both hairdressers:

image

image

What I ended up with (I’m pale and splotchy from crying):

EDIT: So I decided I didn’t want those awful photos of me floating around cyberspace and have deleted them. You’ll just have to imagine a wonky, shapeless, unflattering, inconsistently coloured cr***y haircut that looks nothing like the ones above. At least now (several hours later) I’m feeling less stressed… as long as I steer clear of mirrors!

I’m trying to think through why this has affected me so much. What I’ve come up with is:

1. I’ve been feeling good about myself (physical appearance) since I went short, and now I feel incredibly ugly and awful – it’s not a nice feeling.

2. The accumulated stress of the past few weeks (money, work, etc.) finally snowballed to the point where I had a humdinger of an anxiety attack – so it was about more than “just” hair.

3. The feeling of not being in control / not being listened to triggered an enormous anxiety attack.

4. We’re doing it tough financially so this was a special treat, and it backfired so much.

5. I can’t fix this and am anticipating feeling humiliated when I see workmates and friends.

So that’s it… self-indulgent first world problems, but I feel dreadful nonetheless 😦

I want to finish on a positive note so I’ll say I’m grateful that I have my health, the love of my hubby and Mum, my hair will eventually grow out (or I can shave it off) and Australia are killing it in the Ashes…

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